Ah, I see. You have a girlfriend. It all makes sense, now. Your reaction back in May, your reluctance, all makes more sense. You already had someone else in mind.

I'm not blaming you for anything, of course. There's nothing to blame. I took too long to say what I wanted to say, and when the time finally came to release my words, I choked on my confession. I told you that I liked you in the most awkward and unflattering way possible. That's not how the conversation was supposed to go, by the way. I was supposed to be eloquent. I was supposed to tell you all the things you mean to me, and not just leave you with a "you're awesome, I'm awesome, and we'd, like, be totally awesome together!"

You're so much more to me than that. The real answer to why I liked you in the first place is because you somehow know exactly what to say to me, and exactly how to say it. You seem to "show up" in my near-breakdown moments, and somehow know precisely how to set my world right again. No one else has been able to do that. No one else has reached my core like you have.

I admire so much in you: your conviction, your calling, your dedication, your non-discriminating nature, the way you're willing to befriend everyone, your heart for people. You're a gifted, compassionate communicator and a valuable friend. My reasons go far beyond the humor, the inside jokes. You're someone I could see myself with.

I spent four semesters trying to figure out how I felt about you, and didn't make up my mind until you left to study abroad. I spent two semesters after that pining over possibilities. Now I feel foolish for wasting so much mental energy on something that ultimately wasn't going to happen. I wish I could have told you all my reasons why when I had the chance. 

I wanted to thank you for coming into the store during my shift. I don't know if you know this or not, but you're adorable. I didn't ask if that baby was yours (though I will confess that I checked your left hand for a ring and was slightly encouraged by its absence), but whether he is or not (I was sincerely hoping he's your nephew or something like that), it's a clever way to attract women. As is standing in the middle of Victoria's Secret, looking just a little bit lost while your mother shops for panties. It brings out your sensative and conscientious side, which makes you even more adorable. I wanted to thank you for brightening my day, especially after my encounter with Grumpy Old Man Who Wanted to Buy Six of our Skimpiest Thongs (ewww!). I would have given you my number, or my scheduele for the rest of the week, but I didn't want to look too desperate. I decided to go out of my way to help your mother instead.

Anyway, on behalf of stressed and over-worked retail sales workers everywhere, thank you for gracing me with your adorableness and your concerned, sensative nature. I'll be working every evening except Wednesday this week, should you care to stop by again. And I'm sorry I didn't have a light for you, or any spare cigarettes or whatever you were looking for. If I ever take up smoking, I will personally hunt you down to offer you a light.

Sincerely,
Rebekah

Very quick update: So far, retail = the best ego de-booster ever. I can't answer anyone's questions and I feel dumb. If you're ever in the mood to completely deflate your confidence and self-assurance, work a few shifts at Victoria's Secret, where everyone expects you to know all the answers after four hours of training in a tiny stock room with ten other girls, watching videos with bad, over-exuberant actors. Honestly, how can a person learn effective customer service (and if there's one thing Victoria's Secret is hardcore about, it's their superior customer service) by watching four hours' worth of videos?

Thanks for reading. Come again, and have a good evening! 

So I have a job for the summer. I'm working at Victoria's Secret in Marlton starting on Saturday. Not my first choice for summer employment, but it's the only place that's come through so far, and they're willing to pay me at least $7.00/hr.

In light of my new job, I thought I'd list some summer objectives to keep myself busy and productive. Oxford has made me a more driven and goal-oriented person. Or something.

Without further ado, My Summer Objectives:

• overcome my fear of incompetency and human interaction while working in a demanding retail environment
• take my lab science at the local community college and rack up an extra four credits to get me back on track from the last two semesters
• renew my learner's permit and learn to drive
• finish reading the books I borrowed from my best friend three years ago
• start writing regularly again

This list may expand as the summer continues.

This is what happens while I'm waiting for my summer job to start; I spend all afternoon creating new layouts for my Xanga. My latest layout features some photos that I took of New College in bloom (New College was the college I was associated with while studying at Oxford this past semester).

...I'll have some fabulously introspective entries soon.